Everything is OK Here

Hi! I'm Courtney and this is a place for me to be the person that I think I want to be. Where I can share my thoughts at least semi-anonymously. It's also a place for me to learn and practice my dev skills, which are still stuck in what I last learned in school 10+ years ago :/

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November 15, 2023 4:14 PM

-- I Caught Myself by Paramore --

A Tale of Two Comings Out

Story 1 - I came out to my immediate family about 10 days ago and they were AMAZING about it. I wasn't at all worried that they wouldn't accept me, but I was fearing the idea of causing them grief or something like that. Honestly, they may have felt that after our conversation, but the way they reacted and have been since has been super great :D They took it all in stride, only worried about me being physically safe where I live, and have been great at checking in on me since. In fact, I felt almost a teeney bit "annoyed" that they didn't make a bigger deal out of it (kidding obviously). The same thing happened when I told my friend this last weekend. He took it all in without any issues and only had simple questions about names/pronouns/slang and was otherwise awesome about it.

In talking with my family about it, it hit me that I wasn't worried about the reactions of many people in my life because I've always chosen to surround myself with people who would be ok with something like this, whether I knew it or not. It seems obvious now that I think about it, but I wouldn't have someone in my life who wasn't ok with that sort of thing in general.

Story 2 - I also came out to my mom much sooner than I had expected. I had planned to tell her over Christmas when I would next go out to visit her (she's over 8 hours away), but I didn't want to wait anymore. She's definitely more conservative than my dad's side of the family, but she's a decent person at the end of the day and I honestly thought her reaction could go either way. I called her and she started telling me about the bad day she was having, which made me want to not tell her. However, she knew that I had news and wanted to pry it out of me anyway. She got pretty upset and starting swearing about being so surprised. She also seemed pretty concerned with the hormones I'm taking. She's been a nurse for most of her life so she knows how it all works, and it's how she processes health-related things, but I could tell she didn't like that I was already taking them. When I told her how depressed I had been feeling, she started yelling about how taking my own life isn't an option and that she loves me. I stressed that even though I've felt that way, I could never act on it as the finality of death terrifies me. She also asked me some innappropriate questions like "how's my sex life?" or "am I attracted to men?". I told her those were both irrelavant, but annoyingly answered anyway. AND when I told her I would eventually go by a different name, she immediately refused to ever address me differently.

My relationshp with my mom has been a rocky mess for years, with me really being the only one to put in an effort (which she likely disagrees about) so, feeling mad at her now isn't that unusual. I know that she does love me and care about me, but at this point, I'm not at all ready to fight about any of this. The effort just isn't worth it right now. I can be around the family that immediately accepted me for who I am, no questions asked, and I don't have to work on it like the project that is my relationship with my mom.

It honestly blows my mind that I exist as I can never understand how my parents would have a relationship together. They were only married for a few years of my life (likely because I was born), and ever since then, the idea of them being married has seemed so foreign to me. And this who coming out experience has only reinforced those thoughts. How can my dad be such an amazing person about it all while my mom is kind of a jerk about it? (Props to them both for reversing the typical gender-parent stereotypes with that one lol) My dad has even been checking in on me every few days and, today, he even sent me an "inspirational trans" video and said he thought of me! Meanwhile, I know I probably won't talk to my mom for weeks unless I initiate something, and even if I do, she would never bring up this subject herself.

Families are messy and complicated, and I know mine is no different. At then end of the day, I just need to appreciate the good things about them and that they are still around for me to talk to.